Ricky, look, I'm sorry but there's no fucking time
to go to Christiania.
I know we're in Copenhagen but it's too fucking bad.
We've got to focus and make some money.
You know, I can almost hear what you're saying.
I can almost do that.
But everything I've fucking read on the webernet
says this place is almost like Amsterdam.
So we're fucking making time and we're going!
We... No, we're not! It's not going to fucking happen.
We're not! Ah, fuck off!
Good morning, piss-stains.
How was your breakfast? Mine was amazing.
Ha ha, real funny. Asshole.
Why don't you fuck your bag with your tits and ass?
How about that?
Ricky, what the fuck does that even mean?
How was that joint you took off me last night?
'Cause I know you smoked every fucking bit of it, didn't you?
Yeah, I did. Cocksucker.
Some of the best fucking weed I ever smoked in my life.
It took me right off my head.
Here's your task for today.
"Copenhagen task number 1:
"Acquire a strap-on dildo
and wear it around the city for an hour."
25 fucking dollars.
strap-on must be a minimum
of 10 inches long to qualify..."
- That's a huge one.
Yeah, like we're going to fucking do that.
I don't think so. There's a little part B here.
"There's a $10 bonus
for every picture you can take
banging a statue around the city
while wearing the dildo."
Pretty easy money right there if you're motivated.
That's...fucked!
Oh, Jesus, Ricky, look. This solves the problem here.
do not go into Christiania, 100 bucks."
There, solved. No, no, no, no. Fuck that bullshit!
How the fuck am I going to stay away from that place? We're fucking going!
We're not going. We just won't go anywhere near it.
That'll solve that.
Wrong.
Strap that fucker on.
Go around, get me some shots.
I'll meet you at the gates of that fucker.
I'll be inside all day smoking with the hippie creeps.
For fuck's sakes! What else is there?
These tasks are just fucking all crazy.
get in the ring
with ex-IBC World Heavyweight
Boxing Champ Brian Nielsen."
That's that great big cocksucker.
"You can do last three rounds with him
or give him two surprise blows to the nuts
for 1,000 bucks." Not that difficult.
Wait, wait. You're not going to get us on one of your technicalities.
When you say two blows to the nuts,
do you mean hit him twice in the nuts
or do something else I'd rather not do?
We're not going to... blow on his nuts twice?
Hit him, kick him, punch him. Fuck, it doesn't matter.
Just two shots to the nuts.
What are you looking at me for?
Well, what do you think?
Who else is standing here with fucking gigantic muscles,
50 times the size of everyone else's?
I think you're the obvious choice.
Do you even know who Brian Nielsen is, man?
He fought Tyson and Holyfield, for fuck's sakes!
But you don't got to fight him.
We're not asking you to jack him off or fucking tongue his balls or massage him.
You've just got to fucking hit him in the nuts twice.
I haven't eaten yet, though, boys. Fuck!
You haven't done anything else either.
Like, maybe it's your turn to do something.
I've done all kinds of shit.
All right, I'll get in the ring with the fucking asshole
but, if I do that, I'm in charge from now on.
You got it?
I don't know about that one.
Let's get this going. Good luck.
Fuck off!
Holy fuck, boys, another strip club!
Well, what do you expect?
We're in the fucking grease district.
And why are we even doing this greasy stuff?
I mean, if you're getting in the ring with the big guy,
can't we just go do that and make the big money?
Bubs, I haven't eaten yet!
I need some food for some energy, man.
This guy's going to fucking kill me.
And I've got to find some fucking weed and hash.
It's almost like Amsterdam here, man.
Well, I'm eating first, man I need to get high!
I'm eating first. I'm eating too.
I almost got fucking high in Germany.
That was just a goddamn tease.
Where the fuck are we going to find a strap-on?
That's the question. There's sex shops everywhere.
Sex shop, right here.
All right, cool. There's only one person working in there.
This is the plan. We're all going to go in.
Him and I are going to cause a distraction.
You take it. You leave.
We'll come out after you. Why me?
What do you mean why you? I'm getting into a fucking ring
with a heavyweight champion! Fine.
I'll steal the fucking thing but I'm not wearing it.
One of you two guys is wearing it. Jesus!
Well, I guarantee you, I'm not wearing the fucking thing.
I was in a goddamn marathon, so I did my part.
I'll wear the fucking thing.
You'll wear a strap-on around Copenhagen? I don't give a fuck anymore.
I need a drink. I need food. Come on! Deal! Deal!
'Kay.
God morgen. Hello.
God morgen.
Hi there.
This store is fucked!
Here we go. Here we go.
Find one with straps.
Give me a thumbs up when you're ready.
It's got to be at least a 10-incher. Don't forget.
Okay. Miss, can we have some help down here please?
Yes.
Look at these fucking things, man.
Jesus. I didn't know these existed.
My friend has a couple of questions
about these things here. No, I... no! I d...!
Uh... yeah... no... I was just...
wondering, you know... these type of things...
What's that all about there?
Oh... yeah...!
Oh yeah! Look at that!
Yeah, oh... you fuck...
Oh, yes, yeah...
Oh, it opens right up too, yeah.
What?
Oh, yeah, look at that! It's just like a turkey!
Just like a turkey!
Yeah... oh, doo-dee-doo!
Are you going to take this or... what?
Err, no, I was looking...
No, that's not exactly what I was looking for.
All right. It's not what he's looking for.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you!
She made me put my finger in it!
I never felt so awkward in my life.
I thought we were just going to go in
and, you know, create a basic distraction
and the next thing you know,
I'm fingering a rubber torso!
Greasy!
Money time!
Is it a 10-incher? Oh, yeah.
Here, Julian. Put it on, bud.
Wait now, wait now. Just a second.
Here. No.
I think those Swearnet fucks are trying to fuck us over again, man.
What are you talking about? Technicalities.
"Acquire a strap-on dildo
and wear it around the city for an hour. 25 bucks."
Yeah, there you go.
No, think about it, man.
"Acquire a strap-on and wear it."
That means that they want the person that stole the fucking thing
to wear the fucking thing.
That could mean... They could get us on that!
No, it doesn't! It's totally what it means.
He'll get us on that. Fine. I'll put it back
and you can fucking steal it, then.
We're not going to risk doing that again, you dumbass!
I'm not wearing a 10-inch cock
around the fucking city.
Do you want to get in the fucking ring
with a heavyweight champion?
Do you want to do that? Huh? Huh?
The cock's a better idea, Ricky.
This is fucked... Strap on that cock and suck it up.
Do something.
How the fuck does this thing work?
Bubs, give him a hand.
I don't how to work it. Here, Ricky, just...
put it on like a belt probably, do you?
I don't know.
Here, hold it for a second.
No, here, I'll just work the straps.
Let me get the straps.
Just hold the shaft for a second and let me fucking get this!
Oh, my fuck!
Here, hurry up.
Bubs, it's not real, man. Chill out. I know, but...
Yup, nothing to see here. Just keep moving.
You got it?
It's all greasy.
Fucking Jesus!
Ricky, don't hit me with it.
What the fuck, man!
It's actually not that noticeable.
- Not that noticeable? - Yeah yeah, it's good!
I wish I had a fucking meat-log this big, but anyway...
Let's just get this going, boys. Come on.
This is so fucked.
This is fucked.
For fuck's sakes!
Whoo! I like your dick...!
How's it going? Good times.
Welcome to Denmark!
Sorry.
How you doing!
Boys, where the fuck are these statues?
They're still a little ways, Ricky.
Better be some good fucking hash for going through this.
It's a cock, okay? No big deal.
Fuck off.
It's going pretty good.
Thank you!
Y tu mama tambien!
Maybe you should wear it for a little bit.
- No, Ricky. I... - Eh, eh, eh!
Don't fuck this over.
For fuck's sakes!
Just keep that cock on.
Could you fucking at least walk in front of me and block it a little bit?
People are fucking losing it, here.
Hello, mister!
Oh, look, boys. There's what I'd like to...
Ricky! Jesus, Bubs!
Well, don't stop if you're in front of me like that!
Jesus, you almost got me!
I say we go this way.
Ricky, stop stabbing me with it!
Wait, now, you get in front of me, man.
What's that?
I'm not... Get...
Turn around. Get... Keep going.
You go in the front. It's too dangerous.
Are you sure? It's too dangerous...
Ricky, stop fucking around!
Ricky.
Walk! Walk! Get that away from me.
Walking around the city with this big,
giant meat fucking bag hanging off is one thing
but banging statues within broad daylight,
not being drunk or stoned,
that takes it to a whole another level.
Just so we're clear, boys, the guys from Swearnet are fucked in the head!
This is ridiculous!
The first statue's right there, buddy.
Let's get this over with.
For fuck's sakes!
Does it say where I'm supposed to bang it?
You've just got to bang it, man.
Mouth, behind, wherever.
There's three of them, though.
Should I bang the horse or the dude?
Doesn't matter, you've just got to bang the statue.
Well, just wait. You know what?
Just so they don't get us on a technicality,
why don't you do all three, I mean,
look, his mouth's open.
Jam it in there. Get up there, man.
Then slink up behind the fella.
All right, get him right in the mouth.
Stick it right in there.
All right. Get the picture, for fuck's sakes!
We've got the... Move out the way, Bubs.
Sorry.
We got that one. Next one.
Up behind this guy.
Can you get up there, Ricky?
Be careful.
Be careful. Don't break your fucking ankle or something.
All right, put it right in the back there.
You see it?
Yeah. Got it, got it. All right.
Good going, man.
This is fucked, boys.
Nice work, Ricky.
The shit you do for fucking money!
Here, this way.
Don't fucking kill yourself.
Goddammit!
Don't fall, Ricky.
Push on his ass so he doesn't fall.
Okay.
Can you get up to the hole?
Get it in the hole, man.
A bit more. Okay...
Got it!
Right on, man!
Nice work, Ricky. 10 bucks, boys!
That's 10! Where's the next one?
Let's get a couple more of these fucking things.
Fuck's sakes! I think we've got to go...
this way.
Yeah, this way. Right up here.
I've never done anything this fucked in my life
to make money, but I did it.
My did it, and me's going to decide what the fuck
to do with the money!
All right, let's fucking go.
You owe me some money. I just wore this for an hour.
- Oh, I know you did. - Let me see it.
Yup. Regulation size. That's 25.
What else you got? Show him, Julian.
We're real fucking proud of these. Thanks, man.
Nice statue fucking.
That's three. That's 55 I owe you.
There you go.
There's an extra 100 in there for you
if you can stay out of there.
There's a lot of weed and hash in there.
It's going to be hard.
We can stay out of there.
Stay out of there, Ricky. Let's just walk away.
Just give me the money. Let's go. Just smell it, boys.
I can smell it. It smells like KFC and McDonald's, but it's hash.
I know, Ricky. I can smell it but you know what?
There's lots other places
that we can get weed and hash, so let's just...
Let's go. Boys, let's just fucking go.
- You're right, boys. - Let's go.
Are you fucking kidding me? Ricky!
Ricky! Fuck's sakes!
He could be fucking anywhere, Julian.
We've just got to find where there's some weed, man.
Where there's some weed, there's going to be Ricky.
I know but there's weed... look, there's weed
growing out in the open.
Like, we're going to be lucky to get Ricky out of here.
He's probably building a fucking house by now.
Or he's moved into a car or something. You watch.
Check out the weed plants, man.
I know. Like, look. That's just...
This is going to be paradise to Ricky.
We're never going to get him out of here.
All right. I say we go this way.
Weed, hash, has anybody got any?
Just looking for some smoke.
I've got money. Come on, please,
would someone give me some weed or hash here?
I heard this place has got all kinds of it.
Please get me some fucking hash.
This is going to be fucking impossible, man.
I know. This place is fucking gigantic.
Jesus Christ, he better not have spent
all the fucking money, man!
Oh, do you think he didn't?
Excuse me, have you seen a guy...
He sort of has hair like Elvis
and, like, a fiery Japanese shirt.
Elvis?
Down here there's an Elvis guy, down here.
That's got to be him.
Holy fuck, look at this!
A big load of awesome stuff here getting thrown out!
Julian, look at this!
Bubs, I don't give a fuck about that right now.
Decent! We've got to go.
Just wait.
I just want to go through it quickly.
You're not going to go through a dumpster full of shit!
Let's go. Come on! Why not?
What are you going to do with it when you find it?
I'll weld something together.
There's a blacksmith right in there.
Bubs, we don't have time.
I need food! Okay?
Do you understand that? I do.
Well, I do too. It's been days! This is bad enough.
Like, I haven't... Look at this!
This is why there's no shopping carts around, right here.
Okay, great. Brilliant. They've got them built on the bikes.
You're great, you've figured it out, man, let's go.
It's basically like a ice-cream bike
but with the top lopped off.
Oh, decent! Check this out!
Bubs, are you fucking kidding me? Let's go!
Bubs! Let's just...
I just want to have a look at how it's put together.
We waste a couple of minutes here,
he could be moving on to another spot.
Let's go.
That's a fucking...
wicked buggy!
Ricky!
Fuck's sakes!
Weed! Hash! Herbal! Who's selling?
Come on, I can smell it.
You know where I can get some weed or hash?
Oh, yeah. You're going the wrong direction. This way.
- Oh, yeah?
Awesome!
Oh, that looks like J-Roc's bus.
J-Roc's fuck-wagon.
Ricky!
Look, there's an old circus tent.
Maybe he crawled under there, baked.
He didn't crawl under there, Bubs.
Well, think about it. If you were...
Ricky super-baked, where would you go? You know.
I don't fucking know where I'd go, man.
Did you guys see a guy who looks like Elvis
walking around, red flaming shirt?
He's looking for weed. No?
I'm not crawling in any fucking bushes.
You guys see a guy looks like,
sort of looks like Elvis, red-flamed shirt on?
Probably baked out of his goddamn mind.
I think I would remember if I saw him.
Yeah, no?
If you see him, tell him we're looking for him.
Where do you buy the weed around here? Over that way?
Right that way.
That way?
There's a lot of weed also.
- He's probably there. - Yeah?
Things are going to shit here.
I mean, we're in this awesome place,
Christiania, where there's...
ladies doing hula-hoops and... no rules.
We should be having a great time but we can't find Ricky,
we've got no food, no dope.
Poor Julian hasn't eaten in days
and he's got to get in the ring with that big bastard.
I feel bad for him.
Julian, we've been over every square inch of this fucking place.
What are we going to do? Well, we've got to keep looking.
I know, but I'm starting to get worried.
What if we don't ever find him?
Then what? We'll find him.
We've got to find him! We're going to... just leave him here?
No. Just Ricky!
- Boys! - There he is!
Let's get fucked up!
He's right there on the thing.
We've been looking all over the fucking place for you,
you asshole! Hey, boys!
Give me the rest of the money.
Just in time for Round 2! Give me the rest of the money!
It's right here.
You spent it all?
I just handed the money and said I needed some hash, some weed
and some fucking oil... For fuck's sakes, Ricky!
...few mushrooms and some food.
I got you a bottle of rum!
Be happy, man.
Fuck, Rick! There we go.
I need food, man!
Right here. Chocolate...
No, I was talking about pasta or something, man.
Chocolate. Not fucking... brownies!
It'll give you lots of energy.
Give you lots of energy for the big fight.
Ricky, chocolate doesn't give you energy.
It's not the chocolate that's going to give him the energy, bud.
What?
What? Are those, hash cookies?
What? What are these?
Hash, weed and... this has mushrooms in it.
What? Ricky!
Fucking idiot!
- What, man? Here.
You want some of this, Bubs?
What is it?
This one's hash
but I got some weed in these ones... No.
And this one here actually is honey oil.
No, that looks like it would take my fucking head off.
We've got a job. Let's go.
You guys ready? Let's go! Come on!
Fuckin' love this place, boys. Fucking asshole.
I might move here. Let's go.
I'm not wasting these fuckers. Jesus Christ!
You're fucking selfish, man! Selfish?
You know, you're selfish!
Yeah? Who had to wear the cock around the city all by themselves?
Looked like an idiot! Well, you know what?
You're not in charge of the money any more!
I don't need money any more. I've got drugs.
Look at this hash! I feel fantastic!
Why don't you fucking gear down a little bit?
Why?
I fucking love it here.
I wish we could just fucking leave you here.
I wish you could too. Look who it fucking is!
Hope you boys enjoyed Christiania.
Loved it. Had a great time.
You just lost an easy hundred.
Oh, yeah? We're about to make a thousand
when he gets in a fight, so I don't give a fuck.
Nope. Change of plans.
What? What?
Swearnet called.
Said you cheated in the marathon.
The Green Bastard's fighting the champ.
I don't fucking think so. I don't think so.
First of all, I didn't cheat
and I don't even have the Green Bastard suit here.
So it's not happening.
The Green Bastard's rig's at the gym.
So is the champ.
Two shots to the nut sack
or go three rounds with him.
Your choice. And good luck.
He's built like a brick shithouse.
You can do this, man. You can do this.
Boys! Here, have a brownie!
Two shots to the nuts.
Are you guys fucking crazy?
Just tie him up. You'll be fine.
Boys, I'll tell you right now.
There is fucking zero chance
I'm getting in the ring with that guy!
Okay, Bubs.
Go through the three rounds, man.
Just tie him up, don't let him hit you.
Just like wrestling, okay?
Yeah, do you know how fucking difficult that is, Ricky?
It's only here nine minutes.
Holy fuck, boys, that's him.
What?
Holy fuck! Okay! What are you talking about!
Motherfucker can hit, man! Holy shit!
I thought it was a little guy!
It's a heavyweight champion. That's not him!
Forget the three round thing.
You're going to have to fucking...
dig in the nuts. Are you fucking kidding me?
How's it going? Come on, you got this one.
Good...
Are you Brian?
- I'm Brian. - Okay.
Oh, I thought you were...
little smaller than that.
You're a big fella.
I'm a little big.
Maybe we could just take it easy in there, then.
Do you want to try me, asshole?
Yeah, he's ready. He's ready to kick some ass.
Ricky!
Hope you're ready. Bubs, listen.
Ricky! Maybe not taunt the man!
Listen to me. This is the game plan.
Two uppercuts right to the fucking balls.
30 seconds you're out of here, Exactly.
we're a thousand bucks richer. Remember that.
- Real quick, man. - Real quick.
Oh, yeah. No problem.
No problem. I'll just fucking...
Whip that off, whip that together.
Yeah, man.
- Come on, you fucking pussy! - Here, have a little drink.
Distraction. Uppercut to the nuts.
Hurry up!
I don't need a fucking drink, Ricky.
Sure? You okay? Yes.
How you feeling? What's your confidence level?
Oh, fuck, Ricky. About 100%.
I'll walk in there
and drop the guy, no problem.
He's coming, he's coming for you. Ricky!
Better fucking watch yourself!
Hurry up! You fucking pussy.
Bubs, the Green Bastard is afraid of no one.
Remember that.
When it's at fucking Sunnyvale
and I've got everything pre-staged!
Don't give me that shit. Put on the gloves, man.
30 seconds.
He punches you, he's probably going to fucking kill you.
Strap me in. Good luck, buddy.
Think of the ladies tonight.
Think of the ladies. Come on, you got this.
A thousand fucking Euros!
It's not going to fucking do any good to have ladies if I'm fucking dead!
You fucking idiot!
Buy you all the drinks you want tonight, buddy!
And lots of hash! Come on, you fucking pussy!
Come on, pussy! All right, fuckbrains, you ready?
Come on, you little green pussy!
- Ricky! - What?
- Come on, pussy! - Don't taunt the man!
You're the fucking pussy!
Go get him, Bubs. Fuck him.
Bubs, you've got it, man. In and out, twice.
That's all you've got to do. 30 seconds.
Don't let him fucking hit you.
It's going to fucking hurt a lot, okay?
So hit him in the nuts twice. It's not going to hurt.
Just go right up and say "Hey, Mr..."
He's the one calling you names! I wasn't calling you fucking names!
He doesn't look that tough, you got this,
maybe you should go three fights. Come on, you fucking pussy!
He's not going to go three fucking rounds.
Two shots to the nuts. Let's go. Come on, man.
Best you can do, is not even think about it.
Get out there, buddy! Let's go.
Ricky! Good luck!
Ah, just before we start here,
I just had a couple questions.
I was wondering if I could...
Bubs, I think he's on to you!
I think he knows you're trying to sucker him!
Bob and weave, Bubs! Bob and weave!
Okay, get out of the corner, Bubs!
This is your chance now! Take it!
Lights out! Two quick ones! Two quick ones!
Snap snap snap snap!
Two shots! Two shots!
Boys! Throw in the fucking towel!
For fuck's sakes!
Throw in the towel!
You're a fucking pussy!
Okay, you made your fucking point.
You okay, buddy?
You need a drink? Get back out there?
I got you. I got you, buddy.
Okay, you're good. You're good.
Get the fuck out of my gym, you fucking pussy!
There's a stool right there, there you go, buddy.
Just give him a little drink
and we'll get him back out there.
You okay, man? He was on you, Bubs.
He knew you were trying to hit him in the nuts. Did I get him?
No. No, man.
No, you missed him both times.
Wasn't even close.
I thought, when we sent Bubbles in there,
we actually had a really good chance.
I mean, all he had to do was go, like, bang-bang.
Or just two quick shots, boom-boom.
Yeah, he fucked things up big time. Boom-boo...
Ah, fuck! Dumbass.
Bubs, you okay?
No... no I just want to...
- relax for a second... - Go home, man!
He just needs a few minutes and then we'll get him back out there.
I'm not going back out, Ricky. It's over!
You're not going back? What do you mean you're not going back in?
For fuck's sake! I guess we're done.
He beat the living fuck out of me, Julian!
Go home, you fucking idiot!
You looked like you were holding your own pretty good there for a bit.
You kidding me?
Well, that went just as I expected.
I got the living shit kicked out of me.
Didn't make a goddamn cent.
Ricky and Julian say, "Oh, just go in, Bubbles.
It's no big deal. 30 seconds, in and out."
30 seconds to break your goddamn ribs!
Boys, I need some fucking painkillers.
I'm not joking. I think my ribs are snapped.
I think he broke them.
Well, if fuckbrains over here
hadn't spent all of our money on himself,
we'd have some money to fucking help you out, man.
I didn't spend it on me.
All the drugs I bought in Christiania,
they were for us, asshole! Okay,
where are they, then? Huh?
Where's all the drugs? Well, I did them all.
Well, there you go! Drank most of the booze.
You guys didn't seem like you wanted any!
Fucking selfish, that's what!
But that was for us! Another worthless and weak effort, guys.
You better step up your game
or you're going to fucking starve to death.
Would you go fuck yourself, you asshole?
Look, can we just please go back to the bus.
I just need to lay down.
No. The bus is out getting washed.
Go find something to do for a couple of hours.
I'm going to go get a steak and see some peelers.
What the fuck are we supposed to do?
Let's just go lay on a park bench.
We'll get you a park bench. Let's go.
Kind of hard to tell if he's making contact with you. Like...
Sure it's not just a shit cramp?
Yeah...
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck!...
Fuck off! Jesus Christ!
Fuck.
Fuck off.